Lately I have been looking at Neo and marveling at him. I have been paying close attention to his fingers, his toe nails and the funny way his tongue sticks out between his teeth when he says ‘tent’. Four whole years later, I am still in awe of him, of how he is a perfect mix of me and PJ and of just how much I love him. I think about what kind of person he will be when he is older and I pray every day that we are guiding each other in making him the best version of himself he can be.
I was telling a friend the other day that I know I am not the perfect parent and he is not the perfect child and that’s ok. It’s like Lou Reed from Metal Machine once said: perfection is an ideal for the foolish. As much as I am teaching Neo a whole lot, I am learning so much from him as well. I am learning to be a good example to him and for him to be proud to call me his mother. It is not an easy task. It requires me to constantly challenge myself and to not always lose my cool. It requires me to dig deeper, to be creative in the way I normally deal with things, emotions and circumstances. I don’t always get it right and that’s ok too. I just need to learn to forgive myself a bit more and focus not just on the bad, but the good as well.
I hope when Neo grows up and is older he will be able to read this blog, after all, it has his name on it! After four whole years, I look at him and wonder what I would be doing if I were not singing to ‘hold back the river’ with him in the car; if I was not giggling from something he said or just running and bouncing after him. What I would be doing if I didn’t gather all his unpaired socks; if I didn’t get look forward to his hugs (lately I have to tell him to squeeze tighter); him kissing me on my cheeks and coming in for snuggles every morning.
It has been an incredible four years (and one month) with a lot of highs and thankfully a few lows. I pray that God keeps him and us; that he stays true to himself and that he is happy. Happy birthday my Neo. Modimo ke oo. James 1:17.
Lots of love always xx